Why do moms feel lonely ?

Have you ever thought or felt … ? “I wish I could go out for even 30 mins” “I wish I would have friends to share my feelings with” “I want to get out of the house but there is so much to do here and I don’t want to leave the kids behind” “I wish I could have someone to talk to “… All these scenario or a version of it are refereeing to a mother feeing lonely.

Lonely does not mean alone!

Let’s make sure we know the difference between the meaning of “alone” versus “lonely”.

“Alone” means having no one else present. Let’s be honest here, a mom is rarely alone because she is often surrounded by her child(ren). She might even live with a partner or some family and despite this, she feels lonely.

“Lonely” means sad because one has no friends or company. In the word lonely, we have more of a feeling than a physical lack of someone else’s presence.

A mother can be surrounded all day long by her children or even have a partner but she feels lonely because she has no one to share her feelings, her day with, she does not have someone to hold space for her.

This is a huge issue in our modern motherhood, we lack basics like someone or a group of people who we can talk to, share our day with, our feelings with and maybe the right people are people who understand our reality or share this reality, like other mothers, other parents.

In what I hear, read from certain moms is the feeling of loneliness even if they have a partner, a family close by, they might even have a career and talk with colleagues all day but in their identity and role as mothers, they feel lonely. They feel sad and they have no one they trust to hold space for them instead they might have people who constantly judge them, criticize them or try to fix them.

Sometimes all we need is someone to listen !

It is not always easy to find the girl friends or other family members that are here for us to support us emotionally, psychologically in the shift we got through as we enter matrescence. Matrescence is this huge transition we go through as we become mothers. While some declare it lasts a couple of years, I would argue, and I am not the only one, that it lasts for life and as life goes by we go through different seasons of our matrescence.

What does a mother need?

She needs connection. She needs to feel safe when she talks about her day, about her feelings. We all know that motherhood is a tough act to pull off and we can’t pull it off on our own with no support, physically and emotionally. We need to find groups of moms, a community that respects us and can hold us (and we can also support them) in listening to each other, in not judging each other.

Unfortunately, nowadays, it seems like we have to work for finding the right people to be our space holders. We don’t live in communities like before so the chances to find the right people are smaller. But don’t despair.

Every time I go to a circle or facilitate one, I feel this sense of camaraderie. No fixing, no real judgement, just hand holding or should I say emotional holding. Maybe you have a circle facilitator around you that can give you this opportunity to be with other mothers and leaves you with a sense of togetherness. If you live in Halifax and surroundings, come talk to me on instagram and we can set one up soon.

In the end, this is all we need. We are in this together.

With Love, Adeline

PS: For more on Matrescence, listen to episode 14 of Understanding Mothers stories podcast