Why are moms so disconnected ?

In my last article, I wrote about moms needing connection because they feel lonely even if they are never really alone. They might be surrounded by children, colleagues, friends but they still feel lonely in motherhood. I was hence talking about a need for real connection with people we can be open with, other mothers or just people who can hold space for us, as mothers. So why does it feel like moms are more isolated than ever ? less supported than before ? While I can’t write a 10 page long essay on the subject, I have gathered 2 big points that keep coming up in conversations and on social media :

Technology

Don’t throw rocks at me yet… please. We all have some kind of love and hate relationship with technology. We know being behind a screen has negative tendencies. Beyond the fact that our eyes take a hit and we can get brain foggy… It is the use of technology that can represent a major ambivalent question: through the use of tech, the internet especially, we can make new connections we would never have had in real life, we can find mom groups we might relate to, that can potentially support us. I am not denying any of this, I have myself met really cool people online, moms I can support and moms who supported and validated things for me. Now… if that is a good use of technology. Since social media has taken over the world, we spend so much more time doomscrolling than ever. What does this mean for us as moms ? Less time spent on self-care (no, doomscrolling is not serving you, despite what you might feel like at times), less time spent with our children and partner, family, less time doing stuff that need to be done and I could go on. It has become so much more easier to hide behind our screen and fill our brain with images and mantras and it stops us from moving our body so we can see the sun and meet real people. And while I’d love for other people to come meet my needs and not have to do anything in return (yeah, it happens, we are tired moms!), the reality is: if we want real connection we need to make an effort, get out of the house and meet people we can talk to, hug (hello oxytocin!) and maybe even have a nice proper snack or meal in the process. I am not saying this with judgement: I am a mom with no village, I have done this more than enough to know, it has affected me. It has made me feel isolated (or should I say, I isolated myself even more). I know we are tired but there is a difference between protecting our peace (maybe even enjoy slow living) and becoming potato couch because going out might involve taking a shower, getting dressed, pack the kids etc The problem is, we can’t have support or develop friendship unless we work for it a little.

Our village is busier than ever

So you and me feel like we are busy and we might even feel like others should support us (another subject for another time: we do deserve to share the load with a co-parent at a minimum), however, if we look at families and communities as they used to be, what was it like?

Grandparents, aunts, cousins visiting each other, helping out, pitching in, cooking meals for one another… So what happened ? Well, this is a society challenge : life is busier which means, grandparents are not available to support their children when they become parents, they might still be working, they have a busy life and family has become a bit less important as individualism has increased. Same with everyone around us: they have lives and we are not a priority so if we want to have a talk, if we want support, we need to ask for it.

While I agree that we need to get off our couch to find our village and ask for support, I also feel like we are missing some amazing family, community moments by focusing on our individual only. I believe it is about finding the balance that works for you, protect your peace, being around people that uplift you and also being of service to others. You never know, sometimes they might be there for you too. It is a complex subject because all these changes the last couple of generations have gone through that created these feelings of isolation also show a lot of progress : technology has created amazing new opportunities and women being able to work and earn money is also major progress (and let’s remember some countries still don’t have this opportunity).

Solution

I don’t believe there is a one-size-fits-all answer. Each mom has specific needs. I really believe that new moms, in postpartum, with very young children need to be supported by the people around them. Feeling isolated can lead to postpartum depression and further down the road to a late postnatal depression or other mental health issues so I DO think we deserve to be helped without having to beg. That being said, part of living in this world that is more individualistic, we have to go the extra mile to keep the post-natal momentum going.

I believe this is why postpartum doulas have become so important nowadays. My love for supporting moms comes from knowing how to feels to have no one but Google answer your questions without shaming you.

Postpartum doulas for the win.

With love,

Adeline

PS: If you are a mom in need of doula-ing for you and your family in Halifax, or you know a mom-to-be, reach out, I might have a special offer for you.